Friday, February 17, 2012


The moment I have been dreading. My baby Hazel puts on her uniform and new shoes, so excited that the day is finally here, big smile on her face, finally with her sisters off to school, embracing it like she does everything, with joy and enthusiasm. Yes the moment I have been dreading. So it's not all about me, I know I know, please stop reminding me, move on, be happy for her. Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for her and I have rest assured guarded her from my own misery, and I was so brave as she unpeeled my fingers from hers and waved me off, until I got outside. There was Chris Angus. Phemie's prep teacher, long serving and motherly. " Oh hello Stacey, how are you doing? Well before I new it I was in this woman's arms howling like an idiot.

It is now the end of week two and it feels good to debrief. But I miss her chatter and the sound of Dora drifting over to the kitchen, it's just not the same watching by myself. And I've started my doula training but oh so much talk of babies and birth and recounting my own experiences has been both painful and cathartic.

So just for the record, I have loved loved loved my slow rythmic days with little ones around the house, and whilst it's so lovely to finally have a coffee with my dear friends and not have to hand over my iphone just to get some peace and quiet, and now I can listen to talk back in the car and not Justine Clark, I'm feeling a bit stuck in this strange place, eager to go forward with new things but at the same time, struggling I guess, just a bit, to view this time as mine and not wish instead that it was still theirs....