Switching off the lights before bed, spot a little photo that makes me smile. Where have we been? I lost a cord, have found it, will load some photos and return, I miss my little post, my time for reflection on the good parts, plus we have Russell now and he is adorable!

Well it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas......except that my dear friend Ange is a million miles away under a drift of snow I suspect, in Ottawa. It's just not the same this time of year without her. I miss her Christmas flurry, her endless lists that she ticks off with pride, the way she walks past the Myer windows with her eyes diverted until the night she officially goes to see them with her family . By now we would be planning our traditional Carols in the Women's Peace Garden ( I have sent out a lame email, I will plod on with that without her), she truly is so joyous this time of year, well actually, she is pretty upbeat most of the time truth be known, but Christmas sees her whipped into a festive frenzy which always rubs off on me. I need to stop moping and lift my game, it's Christmas after all and I do love Christmas, it's traditions, it's chaos, it's potential for warm family moments. We may be seasons away from each other this year, but I can picture you tapping away on your iphone, tick tick tick, a happy smile on your face. Merry Christmas my dear friend.

OCTOBER 14TH 1998

It's coming up for 10pm. This time twelve years ago, Daryl and I were only hours away from the most amazing experience of our lives...birth. At 1.07 am our beautiful baby girl was born. If I really concentrate, it is as vivid as if it were yesterday. The amazement at this child in my arms, ours forever, a whole new person in the room.

The excitement afterwards kept me awake, and I can still remember that first dawn as I looked across the skyline of Carlton, thinking to myself wow, this is the first morning of her life. Amazing. She now waits for me to come downstairs and help her with some homework. I'll get up tomorrow, a little earlier, look out at the dawn then go down to the kitchen and make her pancakes.

Happy birthday for tomorrow my sweet Phemie.

R.I.P Birdy

Our dear little Birdy is now snuggled between frozen spag bol sauce and some puff pastry. Oh I know this sounds incredibly unlike me who can't even cut up an orange because I find the smell too offensive, but I needed time to plan a proper little buriel and well, decomposition waits for no body ( no pun intended!) The truth is, I was a howling wreck and the vet's when I had to take her in to be "put down", and to all those people who suggested a brick over the head well, just get stuffed! It is not a good feeling to make that decision to "snuff the life out of" any living creature, but she was suffering and the time had come. My heart goes out to Lucinda who never took much interest in our little ratty pets, but has not put Bunny down since she lost her companion. You are gorgeous Lucinda.

Baby pictures

Phemie and I had a fight this morning. Nothing too dramatic but I may have told her she was a pain as she refused to get out of the car, pouring rain, Lucinda stressing about being late, sort of a typical morning really. I threw the keys at her and told her to wait in the car while I went into school to talk to the principal "About the class trip to the movies I am organising for YOUR class!!!!! Did I really say that to the baby in this photo? In my defence I did make her a cup of tea when we got home and held her in my arms, but really, how does the mother /child relationship change so much just because they no longer wear grow suits and need their food pureed?

And so I turn to the baby photo. Any baby photo will do ( preferably of my own children ), but seriously, looking at baby photos just stops me in my tracks. I am taken sailing back to that moment when I first saw my new baby, a life in my arms the future ahead of us. Suddenly I just want to get in my car and bring them all home from school and snuggle in bed and look at baby photos together. But I guess in real life we have piano lessons and dinner has to be made and friends to pick up or drop off and readers and projects, it just goes on and on and I suppose adds to the stress that then causes a mother to call her beautiful daughter a pain. I'm sorry Pheme. Maybe I'll glue a baby photo of you to the steering wheel.

PHEMIE'S BLANKET

I have to finish this before Phemie starts highschool. Something about wrapping her in my love before she goes out into the big wide world. Can I do it? I've been working on it since last September. Beautiful Koigu wool purchased at Purl in New York. You can do absolutely anything with that wool and it is going to look lovely.

It could seriously take me another year to sew in all those ends!

Winter Veggies

Good and bad days can be side by side. Last night I went to bed feeling like I'd spent the whole day yelling and nagging (mind you, curriculum days throw me), disconnected from what is really important, the worst mother in the world basically. Today was a glorious day in the garden with Hazel planting our winter seedlings. It's amazing what a bit of nature can do for the soul.